Another day of self sabotaging, downward spiraling depression. It is not fun. Sometimes I fantasize about ending everything. It would be so easy, but I would hurt too many people I love.
Days like today and dealing with people just makes it worse.
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
Friday, March 7, 2014
Work at home Mom
I constantly see comments on Facebook and in blogs about how hard it is to be a "___" mom, and how they get so little respect from other classes of moms. I find this funny and sad.
I have been a working mother. I had a full time job and my husband stayed home to care for our daughters. It was great and it was awful. I was good at my job and I loved the satisfaction of a job well done. The downfall was my exhaustion at the end of the workday and my desire to just decompress the first two hours I was home. This conflicted with my children's sleep schedule so most days, I didn't get to decompress as much as I would have liked. I also found that I didn't have the same connection with my kids that I had before moving to full time work. They looked to their dad for comfort when they fell and didn't like the food I made as much as dad's when I cooked. I also missed out on a lot of firsts and a lot of milestones. It was very hard, but necessary for our family to survive. I constantly worried that my kids felt I loved my job more than them.
Soon I was so tired of being out of the house and away from my growing girls, that I decided to give my two week notice. My husband had found two very steady clients for his sound tech services and was now traveling heavily. My first week staying home was awesome.... for me. My kids missed their dad and were on pins and needles around me as they hadn't had to figure out my buttons for a long time. They were such angels. I wondered what my husband was talking about when he warned me of the stress of being home with the kids.
Once they were used to me and behaving only as boundary pushing, destructive, conniving, little angels can behave, I wished for my job back. Talk about never being off the clock. I spent all day trying to stop disasters and all night cleaning the ones I was too late to halt. I was not as good at managing three small kids as I was at managing 20 employees. The house was never as clean as when my husband was home with the girls, I never used to hear "I hate you" or " you are mean" before I decided to stay home with them. I constantly worried that I was too strict or not strict enough. I knew the cleanliness of the house was not up to par. Yes, I was able to be there the first time my then youngest daughter cut her hair by herself (and all the pants in her drawer) and I was able to answer the awkward question posed by my kindergartener after she heard something the big kids were saying at recess, but I always felt like I no longer belonged to myself. I was a slave to house and children.
I know that last statement will get under the skin of people who feel nothing in the world is as great as giving yourself completely to the full time care of your home and family. To that I say, you're right. There is nothing as great as complete sacrifice, but I am not willing to lose myself that way. I am slightly selfish, no I can be honest, I am very selfish. I have a fantasy that when my kids leave the house and it's just me and my husband, there will be no awkwardness. I will still be me. I will not have to figure out what to do with my life now that I can no longer fixate on my kids. My husband will not have to wonder if I will still be the girl he married. He will see that while I have grown over the years, all the things he loved about me are still there. There great parts as well. My kids love me. They see how hard I work for them and often surprise me by cleaning up without being asked. My two oldest will sit and tell me their dreams for when they are all grown up and 16. I am able to nurture and develop their talents. Sometimes I understand true joy as I watch my girls turn into strong young women. They are awe inspiring.
This is getting off topic.
The whole point of this was to talk about my situation of the last three years. I have started working from home. It sucks. Why did I or anyone ever think this was a good option?! Now that I have 5 girls to raise, I thought it would be easier for me to start my own business from home than to try and get a flexible scheduled job. It was easier to start the business. Everything else has been a gut wrenching, ideal crushing, eye opening challenge.
It is a fail-fest. Since my hubby is out of town a lot, I have to try to fit in the business, childcare, housework and lately I have gone back to school, so homework as well. It could be my ADD, but every moment I spend on one I see the growing list of needs in every other category. How am I supposed to answer phones, make products, entertain small children, keep the house clean, do my schoolwork, all in the same 24 hrs? It is impossible. My children hate my business because they have to compete with it for my attention. I hate whatever I am working on at the time because it keeps me from everything else.
I guess the truth I am coming to is this. Where you are is hard. If it wasn't, it wouldn't be life. It would be a movie. As much as we all wished we lived in a romantic comedy. It will never happen.
Hopefully someday I will learn to balance kids and work and house. Until then, know that wherever you are, I respect the challenge you are facing. It is hard. Don't let anyone tell you it isn't. Just know that where they are is hard too.
I have been a working mother. I had a full time job and my husband stayed home to care for our daughters. It was great and it was awful. I was good at my job and I loved the satisfaction of a job well done. The downfall was my exhaustion at the end of the workday and my desire to just decompress the first two hours I was home. This conflicted with my children's sleep schedule so most days, I didn't get to decompress as much as I would have liked. I also found that I didn't have the same connection with my kids that I had before moving to full time work. They looked to their dad for comfort when they fell and didn't like the food I made as much as dad's when I cooked. I also missed out on a lot of firsts and a lot of milestones. It was very hard, but necessary for our family to survive. I constantly worried that my kids felt I loved my job more than them.
Soon I was so tired of being out of the house and away from my growing girls, that I decided to give my two week notice. My husband had found two very steady clients for his sound tech services and was now traveling heavily. My first week staying home was awesome.... for me. My kids missed their dad and were on pins and needles around me as they hadn't had to figure out my buttons for a long time. They were such angels. I wondered what my husband was talking about when he warned me of the stress of being home with the kids.
Once they were used to me and behaving only as boundary pushing, destructive, conniving, little angels can behave, I wished for my job back. Talk about never being off the clock. I spent all day trying to stop disasters and all night cleaning the ones I was too late to halt. I was not as good at managing three small kids as I was at managing 20 employees. The house was never as clean as when my husband was home with the girls, I never used to hear "I hate you" or " you are mean" before I decided to stay home with them. I constantly worried that I was too strict or not strict enough. I knew the cleanliness of the house was not up to par. Yes, I was able to be there the first time my then youngest daughter cut her hair by herself (and all the pants in her drawer) and I was able to answer the awkward question posed by my kindergartener after she heard something the big kids were saying at recess, but I always felt like I no longer belonged to myself. I was a slave to house and children.
I know that last statement will get under the skin of people who feel nothing in the world is as great as giving yourself completely to the full time care of your home and family. To that I say, you're right. There is nothing as great as complete sacrifice, but I am not willing to lose myself that way. I am slightly selfish, no I can be honest, I am very selfish. I have a fantasy that when my kids leave the house and it's just me and my husband, there will be no awkwardness. I will still be me. I will not have to figure out what to do with my life now that I can no longer fixate on my kids. My husband will not have to wonder if I will still be the girl he married. He will see that while I have grown over the years, all the things he loved about me are still there. There great parts as well. My kids love me. They see how hard I work for them and often surprise me by cleaning up without being asked. My two oldest will sit and tell me their dreams for when they are all grown up and 16. I am able to nurture and develop their talents. Sometimes I understand true joy as I watch my girls turn into strong young women. They are awe inspiring.
This is getting off topic.
The whole point of this was to talk about my situation of the last three years. I have started working from home. It sucks. Why did I or anyone ever think this was a good option?! Now that I have 5 girls to raise, I thought it would be easier for me to start my own business from home than to try and get a flexible scheduled job. It was easier to start the business. Everything else has been a gut wrenching, ideal crushing, eye opening challenge.
It is a fail-fest. Since my hubby is out of town a lot, I have to try to fit in the business, childcare, housework and lately I have gone back to school, so homework as well. It could be my ADD, but every moment I spend on one I see the growing list of needs in every other category. How am I supposed to answer phones, make products, entertain small children, keep the house clean, do my schoolwork, all in the same 24 hrs? It is impossible. My children hate my business because they have to compete with it for my attention. I hate whatever I am working on at the time because it keeps me from everything else.
I guess the truth I am coming to is this. Where you are is hard. If it wasn't, it wouldn't be life. It would be a movie. As much as we all wished we lived in a romantic comedy. It will never happen.
Hopefully someday I will learn to balance kids and work and house. Until then, know that wherever you are, I respect the challenge you are facing. It is hard. Don't let anyone tell you it isn't. Just know that where they are is hard too.
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